Hello Friends

A whole lot has happened all these times I've been gone. Reading back on what I wrote and how I used to view the world and people around me made me realise how much I've changed as a person. Sure, I retained a few parts of who I used to be too, but let me tell you that who I used to be has greatly shaped who I am today. 

I'm 20 now.

Time hasn't been the kindest especially now that birthdays kinda scare me and also deADLINES FUCKING EVERYWHERE. 

What this blog essentially is, is a time capsule. Pictures only mean something to someone because of the memories associated with it, this blog is a snapshot of my thoughts when I was 14, 15, 16 and 17. It is something I thoroughly cherish because it has become a visual representation of growth. Yes sure I cringed a shit ton when I read what I wrote as an angsty 15-year-old, but to be fair, I'll probably cringe again when I look back as a 30-year-old at what I wrote as a 20-year-old child.

Cool things are coming and I'm so excited, there's so much I want to tell future me

I miss this place

A Paradox

It's been a long time.

I found out that out of everything that's wrong with me, selfishness in one that stood out. 

It's all about me, all about my problems; I've forgotten about the things that I've been blessed with and people that care about me. I'm such an asshole, and not in a good way. I mean yes, loving yourself is important, but putting yourself on a pedestal and priding self-importance is not who I want to be but what I have become. It's kind of a hiccup really. I figured that it's been like that all my life, but that's I want to change. I want to care about others, and I want to give more to the world around me. 

After all this time that I want to be understood, I have forgotten how to understand and to have sympathy and compassion for others. Well maybe because I've been so blinded by the fact that I do have people that depend and care about me, and for so long that I forgot what It's like to care about someone else. 

I've blamed almost everyone for my mental state, knowing that they have no control over it but I do. 

I am not loving myself by sabotaging myself. Neglecting my school grades just because I should put my temporary happiness forward isn't helping me in the long run. 

An irony isn't it? A post about selflessness yet, it's all about self. 

I know that I'm a person capable of change, but this one is going to be the hardest one yet. It's time I stop feeling sorry for myself, because the only person that can make change is me. 

Well isn't this awkward

I haven't posted in over a year.

My bad.

Yes, I aware that 2017 hasn't ended yet, but everything that happened before today has been a fucking ride. Not only were there ups and downs, there were also parts that defy the fuCKING LAWS OF FUNDAMENTAL PHYSICS.

Let's see:

- Finished high school

- Made new friends

- Lost old friends

- completely ignored my blog for 10 months

- cleaned my room

Yep. Flew through the worst years of my life into the mildly better year of my life so far. 👌👌👌

I've got lots to come. You can't get rid of me just yet. 2017 fucking came at me, and came hard

Bread of Life

Just like all the other years I've been on this blog, 2016 is a really shitty year for me.

People might say that I 'struggle' with depression, as if I'm bad at it. But in my opinion, I think I am extremely proficient at it. (lmao its like the only thing I'm good at)(my life now is just handling things with self-deprecation and dark humour)(where is this post going? It's only the first sentence in and it's waaay too dark already)(not getting distracted might be something I need to work on)

Anyway, though I had to sit through 13 hours of pure hell sometimes, those times have really helped me in understanding myself and why things happen the way they do. Which *hopefully* transitions me out of this existential loaf of bread.

See, 2016 is like the first slice of bread that nobody likes. Or like the multigrain, high-fiber, gluten-free, non-GMO, vegan, seasonal, organic, automatic, batteries-not-included type of bread. But maybe, just maybe, underneath that slice would be a really nice stack of white fluffiness. Of course the sides are still there, but hey, in life there are always sides. Whether that means you eat it, or cut it out, it really depends on what you want to get out of it. Which is why Dr Kathy™, your friendly neighborhood completely certified 17-year-old doctor is here to advise you on your daily dietary needs. 

What I Recommend You Eat

- Motivation

- Compassion

- The people you love

- Happiness and a whole lot of it. 

You should, however, 

Cut Out All The 

- bullshit

It's good for your health. Trust me, I'm a certified Doctor.™℠®©℗

But um, despite the many things I hate about this year, (including the upcoming Christmas), I love New Years. I love the fact that I'll be leaving the year behind me, good, bad or average. But especially this fuckin awful year of 2016. It's kindof like a closure, and a chance for new experiences, starting over again is great. 

2017 can fuckin come at me

Avocado Toast Tutorial

So the other day, I told some of my male friends that I tried ballet once and I didn't like it, and suggested that they should try it anyways and they were like,

"Ballet is for softies, you're one of the cool girls, it's not really your type" Bitch dafuq??? 

First of all, Ballet is hardcore as FUCK.

I simply didn't like it because I couldn't do majority of the moves without breaking my body, secondly, how. fuckin. dare. you. What does being a 'cool girl' even mean??? Yeah I like the cold and I am cold on the inside but that don't stop me from doing something substantially feminine. The delicacy of your masculinity is twice as fragile as any of the dancers. 

What even is masculinity? And since when did the things we like doing have pronouns? Mulan was

the swiftest of coursing rivers, the force of a great typhoon and all the strength of a raging fire and she fuckin slaaayed. Don't even get me started on Yanis Marshall.

Ballet is lit. 🔥 Makeup is lit. 🔥 Yoga is lit. 🔥

But so is camping, skateboarding and hip hop. Don't let feminine connotations stop you from doing or even trying anything you want. 

I used to be sooo self-conscious about what I wear when I go out with my guy friends just because I was afraid of showing my feminine side. Blending in with the doods with my muscle tees and jeans was never my thing. I love pink skirts and frilly tops. Somehow, I have convinced myself that those were too girly and that I'm "one of the cool girls" and that  "it's not really (my) type". Nothing wrong with being a little soft and delicate (like 1 of your balls) Like the insides of an avocado, my outfit could say that I'm squishy on the outside, but the amount of sass I have built up inside of me is comparable to the seed in the middle. I guess you can say that I'm.... Hardcore.

Listen, I understand that not everyone is or wants to be an avocado, and if you won't let a fruit dictate how you look, why bother letting anyone tell you how 'gay' your interests are? Gay is okay, gay is fuckin fabulous, and so is whatever the fuck you doing.

Okay and fuckin fabtastic.

Loneliness #2

I've made a cringier blog post about this before, but this new and improved version has the dankiest gifs 

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Everyone wants to be cool. Nobody wants to be left out or alone, I mean if you're cool you wouldn't be alone right? (Unless you moved countries or you're a widow) But here's the thing right, high levels of loneliness is just simply part of being a sensitive and intelligent human. It's a built-in feature of complex existence.

In a world of 7.4 billion people, it is highly likely to find someone who is on the same page of the soul as us, but no one is exactly the same, well obviously, because they either appeared on Earth at different times, grew up in a different family, varying experiences or are just not made up of the same stuff.

We will never meet the people best qualified to understand us, but they do exist. They could be sucking dick in the toilet cubicle right next to you but you wouldn't have the slightest idea of the potential connection. Or maybe they fell off a building looking for wifi. Perhaps they won't be born until the 26th century. You'll never know.

Regardless, loneliness is a tax to pay for a certain complexity of the mind. It isn't our fault really. A degree of distance and mutual incomprehension isn't a sign that you fucked up, it's what we should all expect from the start.

Activities stemming from the realization that people won't fully get us like singing, drawing or writing is simply showing others that are separated by time and space that someone like you from the past is out there.

If you think about it, the history of art is a record of people who merely wanted to express themselves to an audience. Both of which are lonely.

We must all die alone, that means that our pain is only ours to endure, but it doesn't hurt to have your hoe cheer you on your journey.

Loneliness gives us character, it gives us depth. We don't think like everybody else, we have better conversations with ourselves and develop our own point of view. We might be alone now, but 1 day, we will be part of a closer and more interesting bond with someone else. Till then, treat yo self.

#DramaAlert

I've been terribly depressed lately.

During the period of my year-end exams, I've managed to pull 2 weeks worth of all-nighters, working more than 13 hours a day and somehow still made it out alive. During that time, I've obviously neglected this blog, my health, family, and playtime. Buuuuuuuuuuuut, now that it's over, it's tiME TO PARTYYYYYY.

jk I have no friends.

mmkay but If you think about it, by repetitively doing the same things over and over again each and every single day, you'd go insane. You can even see this at shops where people just constantly do the same things. Scanning and bagging, packing and sorting. It's an emotionally challenging job, because If anyone does this long enough, you'd see their emotions just slip away slowly, losing grip of excitement, of intimacy, and motivation. (okay not the mall part, the school and work part)

I figured that I've lost track of who I want to be. And like many people, struggle with finding any meaning in everything they do. But what I really want to do now, however, is to find true happiness again. So I've listed down all the things that made me happy and amongst all the things listed, they all have 1 thing in common, growth.

When I look back to all my happy memories, I realized that I'm the happiest when I'm growing, because tbh no one in this world likes being stagnant.

So if you're really unhappy, I suggest you find ways in which you can grow.
Whether that's
- learning a new skill
- trying something that's scary
- traveling
- exercising
- or even therapy.

For me, I want to start drawing again. It might sound easy, but let me tell you that art FUCKS with your self-esteem. For every 100 that you do, 99.9 of them would be absolute shit. Don't even get me started on how frustrating it is when your ideas don't come out on paper like you hoped it would. Art is fuckin hardcore m8. Constantly under achieving in something you love to do is juuuusst... you just have to keep going, that's my plan anyway.

If you feel stuck intellectually, physically, spiritually or emotionally, when you find ways to grow out of that, I promise that you can evolve to be whoever you aim to be.

Kindly Fuck Off To The Right Please

I grew up having lots of male friends around me. I never quite feel comfortable around other girls, so naturally, the friendships most often end up as more-than-friends. However, sometimes I'm not always on the same level as they are when it comes to this.

Regardless of gender, this will never be okay.

As a girl personally, I receive these texts almost every week. And it's funny because when I get these "let me destroy your pussy" texts I'm normally just like cleaning the kitchen or cutting my nails lmao. These fuckbois be like "yo chill, I'm just teasing you a little ;)" No you twiddly cunt, it's not flattering, it's not flirting, it's degrading and utterly disgusting just like your dickpics. 

The human body is a beautiful structure, and if you're okay with sharing it with someone else that's totally fine; But sometimes, it comes to the point where it becomes a form of extortion, where we're forced to do something we're not comfortable with. And spoiler, that's punishable by law.

Good luck handling that bar of soap in prison, pervo.

Our bodies may be our power, our pride or simply the living embodiment of our spirits. You can choose to share it, but that's always up to you. 

No one has the right to what's yours and yours only, especially the ones who demand to see it. The best way to deal with an unwanted dickpic is to send another bigger, and better looking dick. Notice that I didn't blank out any names? Feel free call them out and tell them I sent you.

I don't have time to deal with horny little boys when I'm out here making a difference fam. 

Learn to respect boundaries, learn to politely accept rejection, and learn to treat others like human fucking beings.

So Spook 2005

I'm going to be Tumblr asf for Halloween

Mad Poetry SkillzZ

I love night time, late evenings, winters and heavy rain. Maybe all of it at once, to describe the perfect day for me. 

It's just

The smell of cold air. So fresh and gentle. Smells like peace, like an ending and a beginning of something quite marvelous. The sounds of crickets, the pita pata of rain, wood fire crackling or the occasional sound of cars driving past, nothing can sound this calming. Cold fingers and noses, the breeze going through your hair, it's the absolute definition of tranquility. 

The day is like a page full of text. Words after words, but nothing worthy to take note of. Just a whole lot of petty inconveniences to get over . But in the night, when the lights come out, the page seemed to be highlighted, like a bright yellow highlighter on black ink. And suddenly, the words are pronounceable. We see things we never knew were significant. 

The city comes to life. The grown ups come to play and little kids are ready to turn in for the night. It's dinner time, TV time, movie time, family time and time for yourself. The whole country seems to wind down into this indoor indulgences and in the satisfaction of returning home after a long day of work. 

Every good adventure starts when the sun hides. Parties, aimless driving, sleepovers, camping and other shenanigans, the best stories come from here. Cheeky Nandos or Maccas runs (depends on where the fuck ya from) is only legit when it happens at night. Regular pizza just doesn't taste as good as late night pizzas. You know what, anything you eat doesn't taste as good as anything you eat at night. Pancakes at 3am, or soup at 4, it just doesn't cut it in the daytime.

2am is the time when the world is quiet. No one expects anything from you, no responsibilities, or troubles; just like a child. I could stare at the sky through my window for hours and just think about all the wonderful things it can hold. 

The night sky is present within us as well. By the very matter that birthed existence, I came to know the universe and myself.